Village Atheist

How would organised religions really attract people to their religion if they were to advertise themselves in the classifieds? I came across a tweet from Classifeeds that went something like this to make fun of Scientology that gave me this idea of coming up with more religious classifieds:

BORED OF ORGANISED RELIGION? Then try mine. It’s wacky as fuck. There’s aliens and everything! Call L Ron on 555-SCI.

With the Scientology one out of the way thanks to the great interwebs finding, let’s try to come up with some others for the other religions out there.

Catholicism:

You like RAW UNPROTECTED SEX, even if your preference is under age alter boys? Give Catholicism a try. We hate gays too. Call the Puppet Master Ratzinger at 555-POPE.

Mormonism:

Do you like children? How about magic underwear with more than one wife? Want your own planet when you die? How about being your own god? We hate gays like those silly Catholics but our religion is younger and not corrupt yet, give us a go. Call Joe Smith at 555-GOLD for more details.

Christianity:

Like dinosaurs as pets? Believe in zombies that rise from the dead? Hate reading and rather have someone else explain it all to you? Give Christianity a try. Unlike those Catholics, we don’t molest, we train our young children to be just like ourselves, loving and caring in how we’d like to be treated, with an exception to gays. Call 1-900-4JESUS.

Islam:

Do you like EXPLOSIVES? Did you like throwing rocks as a child? We got the right religion for you. Give Mohammed a call at 555-ALAH.

Judaism:

Love money and want to takeover the world? Call 555-JEWS for more details and for our promotional packet today.

Hinduism:

Like the thought of having more than one god? You think everything in the universe is connected to one another? Believe in Karma? Call 1-800-GOHINDU, press 1 at the first prompt, then select 3, then 4, then 2, then 1 and then select 1 again to reach an operator for full details.

Buddhism:

Want to live the good life so you don’t come back reincarnated as a worm? Then we got what you’re looking for. Call 1-800-REBIRTH for more details.

Got any others or want to add any others to this list? Throw them in your comments.